Face the Change

A gasp rippled through our table at brunch, apparently my unshakable belief that Karen Read is guilty is not the popular opinion. I just couldn’t believe that I was the only one of my best friend group who felt this way, all the others believing it was a conspiracy and cover up. Although I admit that I have a loose personal connection to the case, my beliefs are fueled only by my obsessive poring over of the case details. When people are talking about something and it’s turning into a culture clash, I have a deep need to understand everything and figure out the why and how. Mom simply says “Look at her face. I don’t like her face. She looks like someone who would kill someone and lie about it.” If only the prosecution’s case were that easy. Bottom line? I’m using this to distract me from any actual things I need to do and/or solve in my own life. Case closed.

Aside from our differences on this particular issue, it seems that my friends and I are still the same people we’ve always been but older and now with more word retrieval problems. We all come from big families and with that come all kinds of interesting fuel for conversation. I can barely remember life without any one of them; never did I think we’d ever be this old. We talked about where we might go for our 50th birthday trip that we’ve already started saving for—all we know is that we don’t want to “have to” do anything on the trip (i.e. no jam packed itineraries for us). I came back home and rehashed the brunch with my sister and expressed my disbelief that I was the only one to believe Karen Read is guilty. “Free Karen Read!” one friend yelled as we were leaving the Mad Hatter restaurant. I laughed and later told them they’re all crazy. They are. She did it.

In other news, the past couple weeks have drained me and I have felt more tired than ever. A heavier and longer than usual period started this downward energy spiral and things progressed from there. A recent flare up of vertigo with trigeminal neuralgia and persistent tinnitus has plagued this past week in particular, I’m beginning to piece it all together with worsening hearing loss on my left ear. Mom had this, as did my cousin. The nerve pain is unique to me though—intermittent and intense, up there on the scale of 1-10. I have always had unique medical issues. What’s different now is that I no longer obsess over them and convince myself I’m dying. I have to say that I have been annoyed by this recent bout, coming with a side of mouth sores that came to fruition today, they often accompany the neuralgia for some reason. Being a teacher and Mom on top of that has been a challenge. The summer needs to happen and soon.

Yesterday my kids, mom, sister, and I spent the day visiting the National Cemetery in Bourne. J.D. especially was sad to see his Grampy’s grave for the first time. After a harrowing walk all the way to the site, mom exclaimed “There’s no room for me!” pointing to the lack of space on the stone. Jan assured her there would be as the stone would be replaced when she joins him there. It was a process to get into the cemetery on Memorial Day weekend and another process to get Mom there with oxygen. “I’m such a pain” she said as we switched her empty tank to a full one. “Yes you are.” I told her. “Look what you have to look forward to” she said to the kids. After all was said and done, it was worth it of course not just to pay our respects but to also take in the gentle beauty of thousands of flags blowing in the breeze, lovingly placed by volunteers the day before. I’m not a flag waver, pretty far from it. But this sight moved me. As we were driving out I saw some vets dusting off a grave and I felt like crying.

This year has taken a lot of energy and grit to get through. Wrapped up in all the insanity, I have never stopped to recognize just how much I’ve maintained a stiff upper lip. I got divorced a little under a year ago, Dad died, kids have had stuff (a lot of stuff), I’ve had stuff, Mom’s had stuff, family members have had stuff. Stuff, stuff, stuff. We never have a dull moment. In spite of all the crazy (and perhaps because of how well he weathers it) I’ve fallen even more head over heels for my partner in crime—Thomas, my rock. I met my ex-husband’s girlfriend this week, adding a new level to our post-marriage relationship. He seems happy, healthier; I am happy for him. Although I know that this day was coming, it’s still weird. Three children are shared between us and still look to us for guidance, we define that as we go along in this journey and hope we’re doing it well. Things look healthy to me right now, a far cry from where we were 5 years ago when I fell to my knees praying for some kind of miracle. I don’t know much but I am certain that the stressors that face me today are vastly improved from the stressors of that awful time. Though we all have problems still, a lot of them are good ones, ones that involve how to begin new beginnings and face the strange changes. Now, back to Karen Read. Who’s with me??