Go Crazy

Dearly Beloved,

The odds of being born are decidedly against us and yet, here we all are, getting through this thing called “life”. I saw the meme above this morning and it made me chuckle and instantly relaxed my shoulders. I needed to see that because, man, the worries and thought spirals have been winning lately. I’m fighting back by ripping off Prince, meditating, and medicating. It is, I believe, the trifecta of living well or, at the very least, well enough.

The past couple weeks have been ones that have felt like an eternity for a number of reasons that I can’t and won’t go into right now. Life has a way of kicking us in the jimmies and, at times, it all becomes just too much. Sure, we all know how bad it can really be and all of us can point to where it is far worse. “Well, at least I don’t have anal cancer” is a thought that could soothe you for a moment, but it does absolutely nothing to confront and alleviate your very real suffering. Which, of course, brings me back to Prince and this week’s earworm.

“Let’s Go Crazy” is, surprisingly, a song about God and Satan. In addition to being a household sex symbol, Prince was deeply religious and struggled with his desire to insert his beliefs into his lyrics as a means of being truthful as an artist. Warner Brothers did not want him singing about God so lyrics were tweaked to poppify his song. Going “crazy” is less about losing your mind and more about remaining calm and focused on God in the face of the devil or the “de-elevator” as Prince calls him. I’m not a Jehovah’s Witness as Prince was nor am I religious. What I am, however, is someone whose faith in many things has been shaken over the past 20 years. Revelations of the past, manipulations of the present, and hypotheses of the future have all converged with such force time and again, a few semi-private breakdowns have occurred as a result. Some of you have been there for said breakdowns. Thank you for bearing witness and offering comfort. You are my people and have helped me do exactly what that song recommends-calm the eff down.

Dad has declined significantly over the past month and watching this process in slow motion has been hard on all of us. Dementia is a cruel disease, robbing its victims of independence and agency. As caregivers, we have all been at breaking points at one time or another and oftentimes we lose sight of the one who is truly suffering—Dad. “Dapper Don” they used to call him because of his fastidious approach to his appearance. He had the sickest sense of humor and an unparalleled ability to fix anything. He loved going outside and being in his gardens. He used to stake his peonies so that their blossoms would not fall to the ground. He would give me rides in the blue wheelbarrow and always shared his Mentos with me. He was often quiet, sometimes too quiet, but was always the most gracious and attentive host. He loved, and still loves, Mom. He told me about how hard she worked on one particular gift she gave us—a handwritten recipe book. It is my most prized possession; for me it holds both Mom’s love and Dad’s love of her. Dad is a shadow of who he once was and that is hard for all of us but most of all for him. I have to remind myself of that when self-pity wants to have a party.

Some may say it’s silly to glean wisdom off of 2 minutes of pop music from the 80s. I, however, am not “some”. I believe I told you that my therapist thinks that earworms could be messages from the universe that we need to hear. The more I get earworms, the more I believe this to be true. I listened to “Let’s Go Crazy” on a day when I was just so overwhelmed by absolutely everything. The first line of Prince echoing out “Dearly Beloved…We are gathered here to get through this thing called ‘life’’ was on a loop in my brain and I had to play it out. It ended up being the best song for me to listen to on that particular day. The message, for me, was clear: Life is not easy and there are going to be things that will shake you to your core. But, “Take a look around. At least you got friends.” Yes, yes we do. I know not what the future holds and will not say that I am not scared, I am. However, today is a beautiful day and I am determined to not waste it with worry. Call me crazy, I won’t mind. My holy trinity, at least for the moment, will continue to be: medicate, meditate, and listen to Prince.