Identity Moment

One thing they never tell you when you become a parent and then a single parent is that you will need to redefine who you are apart from your kids. For the better part of the last 5 years or so, I’ve been the “custodial” parent and have kept an every other weekend rhythm with their Dad. It was tumultuous in the beginning and not without arguments and setbacks. Over the months that turned into years, things improved. Now, there are two homes for the kids to bounce between. How do I feel about that? Weird.

I am a chill person and give off even chiller vibes. I am, however, the same kid who stayed up all night worrying about people breaking into my home. I don’t like unknown, unpredictable things. So, when I heard that the kids may stay with their Dad for the next two weeks, I got scared, anxious, sad, and confused all at the same moment. Am I losing control? Do they not like it here? What can I do differently? What if they want to leave? Who am I without them? How do I relax? I came home and told Mom the kids would be staying with their Dad for a couple weeks. “Maybe they don’t like it here.” she said, validating all of my fears. And now I know why I sometimes have problems sleeping.

After I reassured Mom that my kids do, in fact, enjoy living here, I told her that this was an opportunity for them to spend time with their Dad which is more than a good thing, it’s great. The last week of July is one of two vacations set in the divorce agreement. The addition of one more week so that the kids could learn the value of a dollar while helping their Dad at work came as a surprise and I needed to recalibrate what this week would look like. Good thing I’ve got this mediocre writing gig going and a list of items that need to be done around the house if only I could find the right attachment for my power drill. Last night I had a dream I pulled out my chainsaw—that’s the kind of gender stereotype busting activities I engage in here. I once sawed right through an extension cord with a hedge trimmer and disposed of a dead rat I found under our downstairs freezer all in the same cruel summer. That was a definite level up moment for me.

I’m awake early today even though I woke up about 22 times during the night. It is Tuesday and it is going to be hot again, temps in the 90s but will feel more like 105 with the humidity. Whatever I do outside today should be done soon and somehow I will need to avoid the constant sound of daytime tv at volume 37. I have no one to nag or feed today aside from Mom and I. I welcome this new phase with all the mixed emotions I already labeled. I have therapy today, perfect timing. My sister Barb starts Lecanemab infusions this week, a new Alzheimer’s drug that could help slow things down. She’ll require monitoring for a bit afterwards but most reports claim little side effects. Jan and her husband Dave have been managing her care and appointments with laser focused precision, this disease is no joke. A world outside myself is spinning and, for the first time in a hot minute, I feel like I can breathe and pay attention. I’m going to try and enjoy that. Though I am a bit of a fish at sea, I’ll call this an identity moment, not a crisis. I know who I am, I just have to remember. Time to make the coffee and tackle my honey do list.

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