Life | Liberty | Happiness

Through this publication, I have shared some of the most private aspects of my life. Some may see that as confessional, I see it as a need that must be met like water or air. If I don’t write and then share what I write, I get stuck in a loop of thought that tortures all of my most hardworking neurons. As a mom of three and daughter to two, I can’t spare a single synapse.

After last week’s piece, I received an outpouring of support and thanks. I was humbled by the response and that hole I had wanted to crawl into disappeared. People told me I was brave which struck me as funny because I am scared and worried all the time. Fear still dominates a certain portion of my brain and the recent spat of gun violence has shoved that portion to the forefront. I have been looping on that again and anyone with OCD will tell you those loops suck your energy dry. “You feel too much” I tell myself again, as if that will somehow stop the bleeding of thoughts in my mind. I allow that blood to spill here and that turns from funny to sad back to funny all the time. Evergreen. Grey. Evergreen…

On Friday of last week, I had a very bad panic attack that snuck in from nowhere. A cough I have had turned into a strain in my neck turned into an imminent stroke turned into maybe I took my medication twice turned into ohmygodwhatifidie. As you may have guessed after reading my last article, it has been an exceptionally emotional week. I don’t regret writing what I did but know that my tiny voice is obviously not enough to fix our broken country and it is, in fact, very broken. I wish there were someone as magical as Dad who gently used to take all of our wonky belongings into his hands with his quiet reassurance of “I fix”. He mended everything from broken dishes to worn out stools, a master of his shop. I need that kind of paternal reassurance right now as difficult as that may be for me to admit. Dad’s hands fixed it all and with all that has happened in this country in a little over a week, I want to hear the words “I fix”. Time to stop hoping for someone else to do that work—it is now all of our responsibility.

This melancholy tribute to a difficult week is just that. As soon as I share this with all of you, I shall be released from the bonds of whatever has gripped my brain of late. I’ll feel free again, lighter, happier. I watched the news today and tried my best not to feel the terror of a two-year-old who lost both of his parents to a weapon of war at a parade on our “independence” day. Soaked in blood, he said to those who took him in “Mama and Dada ok? They come get me soon?” or something along those lines. Forgive me for not yet being numb to your right to bear arms but if a nut job like this most recent mass murderer can buy a high powered rifle due to his right to bear it, we are ALL as guilty of this crime as he.

I know not if what I have decided to do from this point forward will wreak havoc for me or not. However, I have always been quietly disobedient all my life for the best of causes. The pledge of allegiance is something that is said each and everyday in our schools. I won’t sit for this practice but I will kneel. Why? Because if I don’t use my “voice”, will it be my or your children next? I know there are so many who will scream “I STAND!” and wrap themselves in a flag that simply does not protect all under its glory. I will not stand until that flag envelops us in protection of its lofty promise of life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. If we don’t have that, what is this country all about?