Merry Christmas, Damn It

The holly trees have come alive this past week with birds flocking to their branches to consume as many berries as they can before winter sets in. Even the turkeys have come to have a nibble here and there, confined to the lower branches as their smaller avian companions claim the top. All of this activity is a sure sign that, for those of us who celebrate, Christmas is coming. For those of us who celebrate with children, Christmas is banging on our doors.

From Halloween to about New Year’s Day, I develop a knot on the right side of the back of my head that radiates to the front. It releases on occasion but always works itself back up and I down Advil by the threes in hopes that ibuprofen has muscle relaxing powers (it doesn’t). As Christmas gets closer, the pressure starts to get to me and the knot gets bigger and more relentless. I remember watching Little Women when I was a kid thinking their Christmas looked so perfect—it was mostly about the food and spending time together and although I desperately wanted My Little Ponies and Cabbage Patch Kids, something in me longed for a 19th century style Christmas and I knew, somehow, that we modern-day folk had really fucked it all up. Flash forward to the even more modern day and now we have Black Friday craziness that happens for what seems to be 2 months in stores, online, and probably in the Metaverse whatever that is.

On top of holiday stress, this home comes with its own kind of shenanigans what with our ages ranging from 9 to 90. The other day, my Dad had a tough morning and I admittedly was freaked out by just how confused he was. He woke up just before I left for work and could not understand why I was there and why the kids were there too. “I guess I woke up in a very strange place.” he said. Then I became Janet in his eyes and the confusion took a while to shake. It turns out, after bloodwork etc, it was just a rough wake up, not uncommon with dementia. There will be more mornings like that I’m sure. My mom and I got a good chuckle by watching this scene to make light of our situation because we just have to laugh:

As the knot behind my head now radiates to behind my right eye, I wonder and strategize how I can fight this Christmas consumer conundrum while being the Assistant Manager (Mom is the General Manager) to a household of 6. What I have decided, after meditating with The Daily Calm in the pre-dawn hours for the past few weeks, is that the only thing I can do is breathe more and think less. What does this one want? What if she’s disappointed? Where can we shove the Christmas tree? How much does that cost?? Where are those pesky elves??? It’s all a whole lot to shoulder and my shoulders are already shouldering enough. Breathe innnnnnn, Breathe ouuuuuuuuuuuut. Somewhere between my inhales and exhales I will find the perfect place to create all this expected magic in a less consumerific way.

I listen to the birds fight over the holly berries and wonder if they too are blinded with a different kind of consumerism. “Must. Eat. All. Berries. Before. Robins. Get. Here.” I imagine the little chickadees saying as the turkeys chase one another around base. We too once existed in the wild, fighting over resources as winter began to set in. Perhaps this consumer Christmas is a frustrated expression of all that pent up survival instinct. Through AirPods for Johnny and Monster High dolls for Sue, we trick ourselves into believing we are that much better off. Yet unlike the birds, those things provide us no nourishment and bring us only fleeting joy.

After I watched Thomas and Maire compete in a serious game of Bananagrams and we settled in perfectly comfortable for the evening last night, I found my inhales and exhales slow down and my neck release all its tension (even with a couple extra teens here for a sleepover). No matter what things I manage or don’t manage to buy this holiday season, I can rest assured in the love that surrounds me and the joy created in the little moments. It will be a Merry Christmas, damn it. It really will.

And for one of our favorites in the great beyond, this one is for you: