On Validation and Free Time

The sweet smell of decaying vegetation is in the air. Leaves are drifting lazily to the ground and Felicity Huffman, at long last, is out of jail. It’s on all the news channels, even World News with the devastatingly handsome David Muir. Because there’s absolutely nothing else going on in the world. Right, David? He must cringe whenever he has to cover that story. At least I hope he does.

How do I know that the earth smells of decaying vegetation, that leaves are drifting lazily to the ground, and that Felicity Huffman is free again? I woke up this morning without my children here, a treat given to me by my sister and brother-in-law who took them overnight. To wake up without immediate needs to meet is strange and I almost feel guilty. Almost. The morning duty of our beloved Snip allowed me to get outside and  smell and see the beauty of my backyard without interruption from children needing cereal and “triple decker” waffles. Full-time work, full-time parenting does not allow time for deep consumption of oxygen. When the opportunity to breathe arises, you notice the earth more and close a few of those tabs open in the brain. Fall, my favorite season.

The past week went by slowly and was replete with managing sibling squabbles and the personalities of 130 plus students through concerted efforts of establishing gentle dominance in both arenas. It’s all work, hard work. Deep breaths, over and over again, all day long. Why gentle dominance? Because drill sergeant dominance doesn’t work for me. How do I know? I’ve tried it. As much as I would like to keep all in line military style, it’s not who I am nor does it work for those under my care. My daughter sings Post Malone while doing crafts. As she draws a cute little puppy dog, you can hear her saying “G-Wagen, W-Wagen, G-Wagen” over and over again. If you listen to Kiss 108 or you have children, you know what I’m talking about. So, needless to say, traditional approaches to discipline don’t work for me. Channeling peace in a storm takes more effort than barking orders and yelling. Am I an expert at it? No, not yet. But I’m better than I was a few months ago and I will say with complete certainty that there have been results at work and at home. Progress. It’s all we can hope for, isn’t it?

Though I channel as much peace as I can for others, finding time to care for my own mental health in all of this chaos has been challenging. My therapist emailed me this week and I think she’s either worried about me, misses me, or both. I’m that messed up and entertaining. Yeah, that’s right. I’m talking about my therapist. Deal with it. Exposing the underbelly of being human is my job and the whole purpose behind Evergreen & Grey. My self-exposure is for your pleasure and has been the most liberating experience of my life. Having OCD, dealing with a separation, working full-time, and caring for three quirky kids requires mental maintenance and checks on reality. I made sure to make the time for next week. I cannot pour from an empty cup. So I will talk it out and refill, recharge. Therapy. I highly recommend it.

Therapy has been integral to my health over the past year but a major part of my wellness is achieved through writing and sharing things about myself that, I hope, will have an impact on others. There has to be a reason why I have dedicated the past nine months to this pursuit. To be able to sit and write uninterrupted is a gift and it’s all thanks to my sister and brother-in-law. They are members of my tribe and my tribe has been so amazingly supportive these past few months. Without them, you’d probably be reading a manifesto about Trump and be thinking “wow, she’s really gone off the deep end.” You may still be thinking that but at least I haven’t yet written a manifesto which is pretty damn admirable given the current state of things. My tribe is the best, it really is. They have carefully curated my threads of sanity so that I can at least make a braid out of those threads and hold on for dear life.

So, yes, I have been saved by those who care about me and my kids and support my never-ending quest to find and/or establish a greater good. My tribe, without them I’d be completely nuts. Connecting with these beautiful humans has become my religion, the very thing I cherish and worship. This week, though filled with challenges, has been a successful one of which I am very proud. Students who have struggled have turned corners, my daughter has learned to stomp angrily up the stairs rather than hit her brothers, and my choice of profession has been validated by an onlooker whose opinion matters. I will never be rich, I don’t think. Instead, I have found value in what I do and for that I am fortunate. It is not through luck that I am content and filled with a renewed love of life, it has been an arduous journey down dark overgrown paths I would never have chosen. Those paths I slashed through, however, have led me to you and the validation you have gifted me. Validation really is key to just about everything as is a kid-free morning key to being able to write. I cannot thank you enough.