The Lowest Card

There’s comes a point in every relationship where you have to show your lowest card. For me, that lowest card is my shoddy management of finances. Since getting “back on my feet” three years ago, I have struggled with organizing and taking care of money matters. It is the very thing that I am least proud of and most worried about. How do I manage what I do and tackle that beast? Along with finalizing my divorce, it is my pièce de résistance.

I think it’s fair to say that I was very angry for a good portion of 2019. I channeled my anger into finding a job, taking care of the kids, helping my parents, and losing 15 pounds. I think people call that the “divorce diet” and I do believe it’s a thing. All 15 of those pounds have come back for a visit by the way so don’t come looking to me for fitness advice. I did really well at getting back on track and I was proud of the progress I had made. The undercurrent of all that channeled anger was a sense of complete and total overwhelm with handling finances for all of us on my own. I struggled so much I avoided it, a quirky little symptom of OCD—a very childish approach to problems that could be best described as “if I don’t see you you’re not there!” But, as we all know, money is there and not, there and not; it’s presence (or lack thereof) always looms. As my bank account ebbed and flowed, I ignored things like my credit report and student loans. I’d love to add a because there but there’s simply no excuse worthy. I ignored it. Period. Now what?

With the help of the financial guru that is my brother-in-law, I was able to tackle my taxes and move forward with that in peace. It was a huge item to cross off my list and I owe him at least 50 Combovers (a lovely IPA from a brewery in Littleton, NH). Scratch that, I owe him about 100 because he’s helping me with the divorce as well. Perhaps a lifetime supply of Combovers is in order. He’s saved as “Big Brother” in my phone and I mean that in the best possible way. He’s quirky, he’s smart, and he has a shit ton of gold in his heart though he attempts to prove otherwise all the time😉

When I revealed last night just how scared I am by money, I freaked out. We discussed whether or not I could or would buy my parents’ house and the very plain answer to that was “I don’t think I can. Not yet.” This, of course, made me confront a whole can of insecurity worms and it showed. The shame I carry because of this low card in my hand is intense. Writing today is my attempt to publicly dispel the power of that shame as I did when I began this publication three years ago and revealed I have OCD. I have OCD and money problems. How attractive! However much I feel like I just threw up in front of everyone, I am grateful for this opportunity. I’m a writer and process everything through that craft.

The past 6 years have been tumultuous and stressful for my family. A move to Hawaii, a realization that problems not only follow you to paradise but compound, a Mom with lung cancer, a move back to Massachusetts, a breakdown of a marriage, a renewed dedication to writing, a return of an old job, a foray into sharing custody, a number of medical mishaps with the marvelous Mary Paul, a heart attack and stents for Dad, a pandemic, a dying dog, a couple of pubescent boys, and the list goes on and on and on. When I try and remember everything, I need a graphic organizer to help me recount just how much has occurred. I am, in short, traumatized. I don’t say that to be dramatic, it is a truth that I just realized this morning. I am living with a good dose of PTSD. In fairness, I think we all are. If therapy has taught me anything, it is that talking about it helps. So here I am. Talking. It will be some time before the feeling better kicks in.

This was a very difficult but necessary piece for me to write. I don’t know if you have seen Encanto yet but I feel a little like Mirabel here, seeing the cracks taking over my house and trying to make everything perfect in spite of it all. Money is the Bruno I don’t talk about and I think it’s time to bring Bruno back to mind. If you don’t get the reference, watch the movie on a nice big screen. I loved it and saw just so much of my family in that film. The bottom line is that shame makes nothing go away and avoidance only makes the obstacle larger. Through these words I hope to set myself on a path toward becoming the best version of this fierce single parent of three and daughter of two that I already am. My shame over what I am not comes with a tremendous amount of pride for all that I am and have. Financial security and finalized divorce—look out, Mama’s coming for you. Thank you for coming to my TED Talk.