Tiger Mama

Photo credit: @SWildlifepics

“Enjoying the show?” I shouted to a group of tubers who looked on as I yelled at my two sons. What had started as a “lazy river” experience turned into something more like Baywatch if, of course, Baywatch were filmed on the Saco River with perimenopausal Moms in ill-fitting bathing suits acting as “lifeguards”. My thighs jiggle jiggle when I walk and/or run and this day was no exception. “Hot Hot MFCKIN Hot!” I yelled as I tried running on the pebbled banks in the suffocating heat. Running IN the water wasn’t any easier with the occasional boulder and slippery stones. I looked crazy for the 3,678th time in my career as Mom.

I had left poor Maire behind me at the Saco Bound stop in order to execute my independent ground and river search. The reel of horrific fears played on and on while I alternated between muttering conglomerates of profanities and crying. “What if something happens to Maire while I’m out looking? What if something happened to the boys? What if this is like that scene from Deliverance?” That was just a sampling of what was running through my mind. It seemed like an hour had passed when I finally spotted Isaac’s bright red shirt paired with a lime green tube. “J.DDDDDDDD.! ISAAAAAAC! STOP! TURN! AROUND!” I yelled repeatedly, not giving a damn about what anyone thought. Finally, I saw one of them turn in my direction. Slowly, they got up and made their way to me.

“WHAT. WERE. YOU. THINKING?????!?!? Did you not, at some point, think maybe we should stop for a minute and see where Mom is? Did you not realize that you could no longer see us? At no point did you think we should let them catch up to us? What. The. HELLLLLLLLLLL??” I grabbed their tubes from them and told them to run upriver as quickly as possible to get to Maire. What I continued to say to them, I don’t even remember but I know it was laced with all the profanities and said with no regard for just how great sound travels on the river. Isaac started to get upset as he does when I’m mad. “We almost DIED!” he yelled at me. “No you didn’t, Isaac. You got ahead of us and didn’t know when to stop.” My yelling was taking a turn toward reassurance, recognizing that I had a very upset 12-year-old on my hands. J.D. tried to move as quickly as possible by scampering up an easterly bank only to get sucked down into the sand. “J.D.’s stuck in quicksand!” Isaac yelled in a panic. “Pull yourself out!” I told him and he did. I knew at that point I was going to be able to laugh at this but I wasn’t there yet. When Maire finally came into sight, she started to run into the river towards me and cried as soon as she was able to wrap her arms around my squishy waist. “I am so sorry I was gone for so long. I am so sorry this happened.” I apologized profusely, knowing my decision to leave her behind while I looked was questionable at best. Her shoulders looked sunburned, the first time I have ever seen this child anything but tan. I collapsed down into the water and allowed the river to hold me for a minute. “Mama! Get up!” Maire yelled. So I did. I got up.

When we regrouped at the bottom of the steep Saco Bound stairs, I delivered yet another Momloquy which ended with the line “I’m the fucking alpha of this group! Not you or you or you!” I was careful to not direct any of my anger toward Maire as she had been a fabulous tubing partner all day and had already been through enough. The untethering of the boys from our tubes was ok when it happened. No worries, they’ll always be in sight. I was wrong, somehow they got away from us…way away. I had never communicated what the stopping point looked like nor had I ever said “If, at any point, you don’t see us you need to stop and wait.” The ride home was quiet; my body ached and shook with both exhaustion, anger, and overwhelming emotion. My family was safe, thank God. When we got back to the house, I told the kids I was sorry that I had yelled and swore so much and soon dissolved into controlled sobs about how worried I had been about everyone. The boys both hugged me and Isaac said “It’s ok. It happens sometimes.” We took showers, went out to dinner at the 302 Smokehouse, and I ordered a strawberry rhubarb margarita, onion rings, and a half rack of ribs with an extra side of mac and cheese; I nearly put my head on the table and took a nap when I was done.

The top ten things I learned on this trip are as follows:

1. I often bite off more than I can chew.
2. My oldest and youngest children are alphas.
3. I need to be better at being an alpha mom.
4. I told my alpha children they’re alphas in training until further notice.
5. Kids can be fun suckers sometimes.
6. I love them anyway.
7. I can’t help my swearing problem. I’ve tried.
8. I’m good at apologizing to my children for my mistakes.
9. I will continue to bite off more than I can chew.
10. I think I’m ready for back to school.

Today the kids are with their dad and I’m still a little tired from all our shenanigans, including the four hour ride home through storms yesterday. The long and short of it all is that parenting is hard, really hard. There’s a lot on my plate and when I bite off more than I can chew, I have to spit some of it out and that comes in the form of profanity peppered speeches. Maire once made me a picture of an anime character and labeled it “Tiger Mama”. I wasn’t really sure what she meant by it but I decided to take it as a compliment and put the picture on the fridge. I told her that maybe I’d get a tattoo of that someday. Whether or not I am a tigress, I don’t know. However, those 45ish scary minutes on the river showed me that there is very little I won’t physically do to hunt down my kids when I think they’re in danger. Although I swore and yelled, I was proud of my performance that day as a Mom. There is no guidebook for days like that, just instinct. Until the next mishap, I will keep trying to do my best and apologize when I don’t. For today, this Tiger Mama will rest.🐅 😴